by robinsteele1@gmail.com | Mar 9, 2021 | Choices
We were approached by Steve Slate (incredible photographer from the San Antonio area) to participate in his photo project called, “Choice is a Person”. Eventually, he will publish this work in a book. He is showing the faces of people affected by birth choice.
In the meantime, he is posting on his blog. Check it out here. You can get a sample below.
When I read about Robin’s story I was just taken back at the adversity he and his wife faced. Knowing that your first child will not be perfect, like you expect, has to be disheartening. However, Robin and his wife were tightly connected to family and their church. That support group, along with their faith, was paramount in helping them solidify their decision in choosing life. Having a doctor tell you that you can go to Kansas and have a late-term abortion had to be demoralizing. But Robin didn’t allow that to define him. After deciding to carry Kennady to term and accept whatever God has for them, they experienced a life-changing event that continues on to this day. Their daughter might not be exactly like most children, but what she gives cannot be measured. One of the turning points in Robin’s story was when the doctor literally wrote on Kennady’s records, “THE PARENTS UNDERSTAND THAT THERE IS NO CHANCE OF THEIR DAUGHTER HAVING A MEANINGFUL LIFE”. He was floored. He was angry. This was a defining moment. Instead of blaming God, or running away from Him, or blaming others, Robin went to God with it. He pressed into Him. And that’s when the reality hit home. God is the only One that assigns MEANING in Life. Sure people play a role, but it is only God that gives things true meaning. This affected him so intensely, that he eventually wrote a book about it. Check it out here.
The reason why I chose Robin to participate in my project is because he chose life for his daughter. He didn’t give in to the pressures of society. He wasn’t going to take the easy road out. He knew he might not have the strength and endurance to be able to perfectly raise a special needs daughter, but he chose to face it head on. He refused to listen to the arguments for abortion, like some many people today do. People actually have abortions for sex selection purposes, birth defects, down syndrome, genetic disorders, and many others to name a few. The problem with this type of thinking is, WE ARE NOT GOD. We were never meant to play God either. There are so many stories about parents being told to abort because the doctor has discovered something abnormal about the baby, and option #1 to solve it is to abort. The fear of malpractice lawsuits have prompted this trend. And unfortunately it has become widely accepted and influenced the medical community immensely. The baby is never the problem. Robin knew this, and his beautiful daughter Kennady is living proof. When I met her, she was quiet, but when she heard music she started to liven up, an occasional smile here and there. When Robin started talking to her, whispering close to her face where she could hear and feel the air of his “daddy words” and feel his lips gently brush up against her forehead with a kiss, she lit up with smiles and sounds of pure joy.
There was a connection between Kennady and her father, one that words can’t describe. It was like witnessing love entering a room, becoming tangible. Like two kindred spirits dancing in tune with every beat. What I witnessed that day will never be forgotten.
Robin told me that the condition Kennady has normally limits the life span to about two years. She’s 19 years old now. There are only a few people older than her (in the world) with her condition that are still living. She’s a living miracle. Why did God choose to give Kennady to Robin as a daughter? I can’t fully answer that question, but I can say his life wouldn’t be as meaningful without her. The doctor was right about one thing during those early days in the hospital about a meaningful life, he left God out of the statement. Without God, life is meaningless, but with God all things are possible. Robin is a man of integrity, determination, and a heart that’s too big to ever be full. He pastors a church now, and his success is partly due to the lessens he has been taught by his daughter. When you trust God, and not play Him, He expands the capacity to love beyond the limits of our hearts. Robin chose life. He accepted his role in this story, and God rewarded him with a special needs daughter that has given him more love than most of us could ever comprehend. Real life isn’t easy, but when we choose to honor God in it, He will honor us in return. Robin Steele is living proof of this TRUTH.
Here’s a series of questions I asked him with his answers. For those of you who have questioned yourself about having a special needs child, this man’s testimony may give you insight into your own heart. May Robin’s story be a blessing to you. For more on Robin Steele, father of a special needs daughter, pastor of Promised Land San Marcos church, and author of “How to Be Made Whole”, you can visit his web sites here, www.mademeaningful.com or pastorrobin.com.
When your daughter was diagnosed, what options were you given by the doctor?
We were given the option for abortion (traveling to Kansas for a 30 late term abortion) or continue the pregnancy with a specialist.
Where did you find strength to get through the rough parts of your journey?
Our strength was from God and our church family. Both of these were crucial to sustain the brutal news that our baby would not be normal.
If you could go back and change one thing about your life, what might that be?
I would have slowed down and enjoyed the early years more instead of trying to move forward so fast.
What would you say is the biggest misconception people have about raising a special needs child?
People think that raising a special needs kid is all bad. Nothing is further from the truth. Our daughter blesses us everyday with miracles that we would never have had without her. These outweigh the negative.
What would your advice be for anyone facing a complicated pregnancy in which the baby has been diagnosed with some abnormality in which the medical staff paints a grim outlook?
I recommend people diving into a church family with everything they have. Be vulnerable. Ask for help.
What has your daughter taught you most about life?
My daughter has taught us that only God determines our value and meaning. Doctors, parents, friends, and others all play a role, but only the creator can give value.
If there is one truth about “valuing life” that you could speak into the lives of all people, what would that truth be?
If we trust God with our value, then we know that he has a plan that we can’t explain or predict. We need to let go of control and let him lead the way.
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by robinsteele1@gmail.com | Jan 20, 2021 | Choices, How to deal with pain
We were asked to write an article for “One Extraordinary Marriage” and their March issue of The Position Post. Their ministry is incredible and broaches a topic that many in Christianity shy away from. Go check them out. They asked us to write on how couples can thrive in the midst of troubling situations (like special needs kids). Here you go!
The idea of marriage seems impossible. Two humans living together, sharing all the good and bad, helping each other, liking each other…until they die…WOW! How in the world is that possible? Now, throw in a child that is unable to care for themselves and requires 24 hour attention…for the rest of her life. This is how my wife and I started the early years of our marriage 22 years ago. Our daughter, Kennady, was diagnosed with Alobar Holoprosencephaly which meant that her brain was severely misshapen, and the prognosis was devastating. She would be unable to walk, talk, use her arms or hands, and there was no cure. We got this message from the brain surgeon in a small, dark room next to the neonatal intensive care unit. As we left the room, the darkness followed us. How would we make it?
As we launch into 2021, I’m happy to say that our marriage is stronger than ever. Our daughter is now 19 and we have two sons, now 16 and 14 years old. Over the years, four simple things have built our relationship in the midst of such challenge.
- Trust God – Since God is the creator and designer of your family, He is the sole authority on the value and health of your family. People try all sorts of ideas, strategy, philosophy on how to have a fulfilled family, but there is really only one way to move towards your best family: Allow God to have his way. Model your family after His plan! “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” Psalm 127:1 When things are not going the way you want them to, trust that God is still in charge of building your house.
- Make a Stand – When we first started connecting with special needs families, it was depressing! Not because of the kids’ situations, but because the parents were in such a funk. In the first few months of our daughter’s life, we made a statement that has guided us through every season: “We are not going to let Kennady’s condition define her or our family.” We had seen many special needs families stuck at home. They were either afraid to go out or just too tired. We decided that we would: go to church, out to eat, send Kennady to school, and go on vacations. This decision forced us to continually look to God… to lean on his understanding and ways.
- Invest in Others – When my wife gave birth, there were 50 people sitting in the hospital waiting room. From that moment until this day, we have been surrounded by people willing and ready to help us. They were not all family. They were not there because we were famous or because we were the pastor (we weren’t pastoring a church then). They were all there, and have stayed there, because of years of investing in each other. This takes intentionality and hard work. It also means having the courage and taking a risk to ask for help. This means sacrificing for others. There is no way we could have raised our family on our own.
- Take Time to Get Away – I saved this for last, because it absolutely won’t work without the other three happening first. Couples must take time for themselves to rest and recharge. We asked people to watch our kids while we went on a weekly date night. We spent months saving money and lining up help to watch our daughter so that we could take a vacation by ourselves or with our two sons. We trusted that God would take care of our family when we were gone.
When our kids have special needs, that does not assign our marriages to eternal darkness or death. In fact, we have seen the opposite. In the areas where we have lost control, God shines the brightest.
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by robinsteele1@gmail.com | Aug 6, 2020 | Choices
By: Erica Steele
I love movie analogies. I am such a hands on, visual learner. I have always loved the Never Ending Story. It was one of my childhood favorites, right up there with PeeWee’s Big Adventure and The Princess Bride. Movies and music speak to us in such poignant ways that words can sometimes jumble up.
This moment (I hope you watched that clip above) in The Never Ending Story really jumped out at me today. This season we are in has been difficult all around. The country, world, community, it all feels really big and overwhelming.
In the midst of all of this, we have had some personal things that have been challenging. People acting in ways that have been hurtful, or saying things that have been hard to hear.
I am, by design, (and by enneagram assessment 😜) a person who wants (and needs) resolution. I’m not a faker and I can’t just pretend everything is “ok” if it isn’t. There are exceptions to this, as with anything. For example, if I have tried to make some sort of attempt at a resolution and it is rejected…game over. I can set a firm boundary in my heart and mind and move on (mostly, unless they want to be friends 😂)
During this season I was reminded of a time when I was confronted with my behavior, attitude, and how I was harmful with the way I communicated. My “mirror gate” moment.
It was crushing to me. I spent a lot of time beating myself up and wondering why anyone would want to be my friend or know me for that matter (seriously, those were my very thoughts. Not just being self deprecating here). I turned inward and prayed about it. I asked God to help me see the ugly side of myself and help make me better because it was clearly out of my grasp. I didn’t want to walk around harming people! It was a life changing moment.
God used that hurtful time (words that were honestly spoken out of retaliation) to bring awareness to my ugly side. Let me be clear here, it was a moment of awareness and healing, but certainly didn’t bring about perfection. I still have a tendency to be too harsh with my words and emotions. In that moment, someone held a mirror before me and I saw my anger, hurtful ways, and selfishness. In this season of dealing with tough things and people being self absorbed and hateful, It really brought my thoughts back around to this question.
Have you ever held the mirror for someone?
If you have, I feel pretty sure they felt like screaming and running away in that moment. Ok, maybe that person doesn’t end up running away screaming, but after that they definitely leave you on “read”. Not calling anymore. Faking a “hey it’s so good to see you!…😒”. Seriously, I have been the one left on “read”. We have been dealing with some really tough things. Things that have left me feeling the need to hold up the mirror in front of someone and say “do you see what I see? Do you know your behavior is hurting others?”
What if you are the mirror?
What’s it like when you tell someone their behavior is hurtful and have them walk away and have a finger pointing back at you? (Maybe even one very specific finger).
It cuts deep. It makes your heart hurt. When we speak truth to a situation, we always hope that it will be happy rainbows and unicorn fluff in the end! Hoping that person(s) will wake up and actually see themselves.
However sometimes people don’t want resolution. They definitely didn’t want to see where they are not being honest, hurting someone, or being selfish.
I really really REALLY want resolution in relationships. Really. It tears me up to feel rejected and not have things made right. I have had to learn to pray and ask God to take the situation and bring healing. Help me to let go of things and not “have to” make them right. That is simply where I find rest. No one can force another person to see their point of view. I don’t have control over how others respond, but I can control where my I allow my hope to rest.
My hope is in Christ alone.
That is where I find rest and healing when I am staring at all my brokenness in a mirror, or when I have held the mirror and seen someone run the other way. God is such a faithful friend. He doesn’t leave us broken and hopeless, but gently leads us toward him and shapes us in His image. What better gift for someone who is so broken, than for a loving Savior to rescue them and offer hope regardless of the situation. If we seek God together, he is faithful to make all things right.
“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17 ESV
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Matthew 18:15 ESV
“This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.” Matthew 5:23-24 MSG
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by robinsteele1@gmail.com | Sep 13, 2019 | Choices, How to deal with pain
This post is the first in a series of posts from my (Robin) upcoming book. Release date is early 2020.
This excerpt is from Chapter 6:
Kennady spent the six weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) after she was born including Christmas, New Year’s Day, and the day the University of Texas played the BIG 12 Championship. (Those are big days in Austin, TX!) She had tubes hooked up everywhere. Machines were blinking stats to hospital staff. Nurses were walking around, and there were probably 30 other babies in cribs very close by. We had to wear gowns and face masks to protect the infants from potential illness. Fortunately, each bed had a rocking chair, so at least one parent could sit and rock their baby.
The NICU is not known for its homey atmosphere or welcoming décor. Unfortunately, it is either dark and cold or fluorescent bright white and cold. Either way, it is lousy lighting and chilly. We spent hours in those cold rooms feeding her a bottle, rocking her to sleep, singing songs, and introducing her to new friends and family one person at a time. Visitors had to put on a gown and a face mask and then scrub their hands for 3 minutes before winding through the cribs to see our little miracle.
Christmas morning, marked our thirtieth day in the NICU. Instead of sitting around a beautiful tree and opening gifts with extended family, Erica and I dressed Kennady as a little red elf. We sat around her hospital crib and thought of what life would be like when we left the hospital. We had ridden the roller coaster of emotion. Our daughter is born! What a miracle! She has a horrible diagnosis. She is recovering well! She looks different than healthy babies. We were up and down. Up and down.
One unforgettable day I was visiting with Kennady by her crib. At the foot of the bed was a clipboard of doctor notes. Back in 2001, it was typical to leave a chart at the crib so doctors and nurses on other shifts can stay apprised of the patient’s situation. However, on this day, my sideways glance caught the last line of the progress report. In the doctor’s hand, it read, the parents understand that there is no chance of their daughter having a meaningful life.
The bang of those words rang in my mind like a gavel strike. Judgment passed over my daughter’s entire life with a short yet sweeping sentence. I was utterly crushed and seconds later angry. I thought, My daughter has meant more to me in the last two days than you will ever mean to me. I was furious. The indifference! The audacity! Suddenly his credentials, his education, his years of training were meaningless to me, just as my daughter was meaningless to him.
For ten years, I thought about that moment at the crib and always wanted to go look up Kennady’s medical records to see if they reflect that statement still. I wanted proof. I had almost convinced myself that I misread it. Undoubtedly, the transcriber edited the comment to read more appropriately or medically correct. In fact, one time we mentioned it to our palliative care doctor and she could not believe that a doctor said that.
So, in early 2011, I went through the process of accessing Kennady’s records. They told me that it would take several weeks to get the documents and that I could come to the hospital to find the correct record. Kennady was in the hospital 42 days during that period. You can imagine how many pages of records that included. I finally received the call that the documents were ready, and I scheduled an appointment to review them.
Erica dropped me off at the front door of the hospital and waited outside for me to “run in and get them.” My emotions began to swell as I walked the same stark halls a decade before. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. The clerk took a few minutes and then returned with a large folder of documents. It was about four inches thick. Fortunately, the information I was looking for was close to the top. I turned the 6th page of records and saw this:
Tears fell down my face. I couldn’t believe it. There it was. First of all, the statement in the report was incorrect. Erica and I never expressed the understanding that our daughter’s life was meaningless. That is what seemed so disturbing. It was like they were saying we agreed with them. Wrong. False. Untrue.
At this point, I think it is important that I clarify a few things. The doctors and nurses did a phenomenal job physically caring for our daughter in the NICU. We are incredibly grateful for their hard work. We also do not feel like the doctor had a vendetta or was intentionally trying to be mean in his assessment of Kennady’s life. It merely was a clear sign that our doctor, like many others, was tangled in the entrapping lies of society that define meaning with skewed and perverted definitions.
I stood up from the table, slid the big stack of papers back, and asked the attendant to make a copy of that one piece of paper. I am sure that the rest of the documents contained valuable information about Kennady’s care; however, at this point, all that information seemed worthless. The attendant graciously made a copy, and I walked out of the office. I trekked back down the stark halls. I made it back to the mini-van at the hospital entrance. The three kids were in the van with Erica, laughing and talking and in their world. I got in the passenger door and just sat there. Erica said, “Well, what did you find?”
To which, I flatly replied, “It was there,” and then handed her the copy.
Erica and I often wondered what our daughter would have to accomplish before the doctor would deem her meaningful. If she could walk, would she cross the threshold of meaning? If she was able to form words or write sentences, would she be meaningful? Would she have a high market value if she were able to go to college or get married?
I would love to hear from you!
Please comment/respond to the questions below and be a part of the conversation.
Have you ever wrestled with someone else’s declaration over you?
How has that affected the way you live and see yourself?
How have you been successful at redefining yourself?
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by robinsteele1@gmail.com | Jul 28, 2019 | Choices, How to deal with pain, trip
I (Erica) took a little trip, two weeks ago, to get some downtime for myself.
It was overdue. Robin and I talked about me leaving for a few days, to which I said, “I need to get out of here and not have anyone ask me for anything!”, to which he said, “You don’t have to act like you don’t like us!”
I LOVE my family. They are MY people, they see me at my worst and love me still. We trust each other, celebrate each other, cry with each other….but we also need our time alone.
So, I concocted a plan on Saturday, made reservations at an air b-n-b for Monday night, and took off driving, to the beautiful state of New Mexico.
I didn’t have much of a plan except for leaving town, eating, driving, and sleeping. I arrived in the quaint town of Taos, NM Monday night just as the sun was setting on the mesa.
It was beautiful. ..The cool breeze… dry mountain air…and slow pace.
I woke up Tuesday morning and decided to take a little road trip to see our first home we ever purchased (in Questa – 20 miles north of Taos). It was so sweet and nostalgic taking a drive down memory lane. Robin and I spent our first couple of years as newlyweds in the mountains, teaching ski school, working desk jobs, being a line cook, detailing cars, all while eating pizza and playing video games. It was a magical time for us.
That afternoon I headed up to Taos Ski Valley to eat a burger at Tim’s, and hike up to Williams Lake.
The weather was perfect and the mountains were stunning. I got my belly full and started my short 2 mile hike up the trail.
It was about the time I got to the trailhead and saw the signs “Do NOT FEED the wildlife”, which indicated that there may be bear, mountain lions, or other small animals, that I was reminded of my irrational fear of being eaten by a bear.
Now, you may laugh at this, but it is true. I am a healing hypochondriac, as well as someone who has an overactive imagination about animals desiring to attack me…and then eat me.
Meanwhile on Instagram, with no-one able to read my internal thoughts, and only able to see the beautiful, fun pictures I was posting. I was having discussions with myself about how I would fight off any animal that may come at me with my pepper spray and banging my metal water bottle (likely, while running downhill screaming). I am sure the pictures made it look like I didn’t have a care in the world!
Here I am hiking up the trail, and with each person I pass I am so thankful that not one is telling me there is a bear up ahead! (or running downhill screaming that they are being chased by a bear.) This was encouraging!
About half way up the trail I realize that I have not quite acclimated to the altitude. This “quick” two mile hike was going to take longer, and require more effort than I imagined. I would hike a bit, then stop and take a drink of water and catch my breath. I pretended that I wasn’t about to pass out, as friendly hikers walked by.
As the hike went on, the number of hikers was decreasing and I kept thinking I was almost to the lake. Maybe I would actually make it! So I began to pray “Lord, just let me see one more person (bear bait)”, and sure enough, here would come one or two more people!
Finally, as I was sure I was almost to the lake, I saw two people coming toward me and asked them casually, “The lake isn’t too much farther, is it?” (PLEASE, LORD, let it be close). They said “It’s only about 10-15 minutes up ahead”….. OH! GREAT! Just 10-15 minutes MORE of being potential bear bait!
Throughout my hike I would constantly speak truth to my fear, by stating that “bear attacks are rare…mountain lion attacks are rare”, “animals are more afraid of us, than we are of them”, “Jennifer Pharr -Davis has hiked thousands and thousands of miles ALONE and not been attacked, so surely I will be fine!”
I finally made it to the lake, admiring the scenery and taking a quick selfie, then saying to myself, “Did that! Check! And, I didn’t even see one bear!… yet…”
I stood for a few minutes taking in the beauty, then spotted a family hiking and thought, “OK, I don’t want to be behind them on the trail, so I will head back down, plus, they will make good bear bait!” (horrible, I know)
As I headed back down the mountain, I was reminded of the truth of my faith journey: The truth that if this life is not the end, then a bear attacking me and potentially ending my life… is not the end.
In the Bible, there are so many stories of God’s people forgetting what he has done for them, and what God promises he will do. In Exodus 11:7, God tells of delivering his people from slavery. He went so far as to silence every dog in Egypt. This kept coming to mind as I was walking.
God is concerned about every detail of our life.
In my morning devotional by Paul David Tripp, “New Morning Mercies”, he says, “In the life of the believer, fear of weakness amounts to God-forgetfulness. Timidity is a failure to remember the promises of the gospel…Giving way to temptation is overlooking the empowering presence of the Holy Spirit.”
It hit me like a ton of bricks. How powerful is God! His presence transforms our lives! Each time I was afraid on my hike, I would speak truth, but it wasn’t until I began the hike down, that the gospel began to settle in my heart.
As I hiked down the trail, I took my time and really focused on the truth that God was here in that moment with me, that he was indeed over every moment, and that I could rest in THAT.
I got almost all the way down the mountain and stopped at a beautiful roaring stream.
I decided to sit down and pull out my book to read for a bit. It was such a blissfully peaceful moment.
My fears were laid down in trust, and the peace came to just enjoy what all was surrounding me.
After reading for a bit, I packed up and headed back to my quiet air b-n-b, exhausted and ready for bed.
Ceiling at my BNB!
This day for me was so good. It was a reminder to not live life bound by fear of the “what if’s”, and to rest in the gospel…pure and simple.
If I had listened to the fear in my mind, I never would have left the comfort of my vehicle or a safe restaurant to enjoy the nature that is so deeply renewing for me.
What is it that you need to say “no” to, to be able to say “yes” to peace and joy? I would love to hear from you!
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by robinsteele1@gmail.com | Sep 18, 2018 | Choices, Moms
We all Fight. How can we fight with our spouse and win?
This is one of the biggest areas of trouble in families. Fighting about the kids, fighting about money, fighting about dinner, fighting about the laundry. We can find any topic to get fired up about!
Let’s talk about how you can fight with your spouse and win…EVERYTIME! The term fight needs to be defined clearly. We are not talking about physical hitting. Of course that is never acceptable for any spouse. Fighting is when we disagree and have arguments, discussions, tiffs, whatever you want to call it.
You have probably seen Dr. John Gottman on television. He is often on talk shows. He says he can watch a couple argue for 90 seconds and know if they are going to make it or not. What would he say about you?
Erica and I come from completely different backgrounds. I (Robin) was raised in a 2 parent, very traditional family. Mom had very distinct roles. Dad had very distinctly different roles. Erica was raised in a single parent home with her mom and brother. They did everything as a team and did not have particular roles. In fact, there was no model in the home of what a dad could be. These differences made our life in marriage very complicated. We brought in these expectations that were completely different. Even after we discussed them early on, we have still had to live through them for almost 20 years now. It has been a long journey with many “fights” along the way.
The bottomline is that we all are different, we are all human, we all let ourselves get in the way. We all will disagree and sometimes it escalates into a fight.
How we fight with each other tells us a lot about who we think we are and who we think God is. When we have the wrong impression of God and ourselves, we see ourselves as the center of the world and that it is up to us to solve, fix, or change our spouse. This wrong point of view will drive anger in our hearts and despair for our future. It affects our communication like nothing else. The beginning of healthy confrontations is FAITH IN GOD: Faith that he is the creator and designer of our marriage. Faith that he is in control of our lives. Faith that he is able to transform us into the humans he originally intended. When we view ourselves as dependent on God and view God as being loving and capable, then our conversations with other humans will look completely different.
OK, so let’s say you have a healthy view of God and your faith in him is strong. What happens when emotions get in the way and someone does you wrong? How do you deal with it? This text gives us the answer!
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19
This text gives us 3 Rules to Fight Fair and Make sure everyone wins!
-
Stop to Listen Carefully – Be Quick to Listen!
We are often quick to prove our point. We are wanting to get a word in edgewise.
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. Proverbs 18: 2
If you feel like you have to prove your point or get something across, then you are not fully trusting that God is in control. You believe that he is not capable to defend you or make the situation right. Or You believe that God is not the one who gives you strength and credibility.
Prove to your Spouse that you are Quick to Listen:
- Repeat back to your spouse what he or she just said. It lets them know what you just heard. It keeps it focused on the topic at hand. “I understand why you feel _____________ when I do _______”
- Validate the fact that the feeling is there! Whether you agree with it or not. This is crucial.
When your spouse feels like they are not being heard, they will only escalate their voice and demeanor. When we are not heard, we feel helpless and like there is no hope. LISTEN first.
-
Guard Your Words Faithfully
The wise don’t make a show of their knowledge, but fools broadcast their foolishness. Proverbs 12:23
Before talking in an argument, ask yourself: Should this be said ever? Should this be said NOW? If the answer is NO then, don’t say it! Some things need to be dealt with but not in the middle of the fight! Fight fair about the topic at hand. If there are different topics that need to be discussed, then don’t avoid them all together. Instead find a better time where each of you have more emotional margin to process them.
On the other hand, if you are avoiding a topic because you know the other person will blow up, then it is definitely time to connect with a counselor and prayer partners. There is a time to say difficult things. We need to address them. Let’s trust God that He will redeem the situation. No sin is too great for God to redeem and heal. God can prove himself to you in the most difficult relationship situations.
Here are some Rules for Fighting Fair
- Never call Names
- Never Yell
- Never get historical (once you deal with things in the past, leave them there)
- Never say “never” or “always”
- Never threaten divorce (low blow)
- Never quote your pastor 🙂
-
Handle our Anger Righteously
We can be slow to anger because we trust that God is in control and that he is the ultimate judge. I do not have to rush to judgement or anger because deep down below the surface of my life, I REST in the fact that God has got this!
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Ephesians 4: 26-27
Anytime you go to bed with an unresolved issue, you give the devil a foothold on your marriage. The little problem gets a little bigger. Erica and I sometimes go to sleep with out completely resolving an issue, BUT we have an agreement to never go to bed bitter or disrespectful to the other person. Often we say, “We have a lot to talk about on this issue. We can’t solve it tonight. However, I love you. I’m committed. I’m sorry.”
Sometimes you have work through hard things. You have to FORGIVE. You have to release some of your tension.
Praying means a great deal. It is not as easy to fight with someone if you pray for and with them everyday.
Erica and I spoke on this message at PromiseLand. Click here to watch!
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