We were asked to write an article for “One Extraordinary Marriage” and their March issue of The Position Post. Their ministry is incredible and broaches a topic that many in Christianity shy away from. Go check them out. They asked us to write on how couples can thrive in the midst of troubling situations (like special needs kids). Here you go!
The idea of marriage seems impossible. Two humans living together, sharing all the good and bad, helping each other, liking each other…until they die…WOW! How in the world is that possible? Now, throw in a child that is unable to care for themselves and requires 24 hour attention…for the rest of her life. This is how my wife and I started the early years of our marriage 22 years ago. Our daughter, Kennady, was diagnosed with Alobar Holoprosencephaly which meant that her brain was severely misshapen, and the prognosis was devastating. She would be unable to walk, talk, use her arms or hands, and there was no cure. We got this message from the brain surgeon in a small, dark room next to the neonatal intensive care unit. As we left the room, the darkness followed us. How would we make it?
As we launch into 2021, I’m happy to say that our marriage is stronger than ever. Our daughter is now 19 and we have two sons, now 16 and 14 years old. Over the years, four simple things have built our relationship in the midst of such challenge.
- Trust God – Since God is the creator and designer of your family, He is the sole authority on the value and health of your family. People try all sorts of ideas, strategy, philosophy on how to have a fulfilled family, but there is really only one way to move towards your best family: Allow God to have his way. Model your family after His plan! “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” Psalm 127:1 When things are not going the way you want them to, trust that God is still in charge of building your house.
- Make a Stand – When we first started connecting with special needs families, it was depressing! Not because of the kids’ situations, but because the parents were in such a funk. In the first few months of our daughter’s life, we made a statement that has guided us through every season: “We are not going to let Kennady’s condition define her or our family.” We had seen many special needs families stuck at home. They were either afraid to go out or just too tired. We decided that we would: go to church, out to eat, send Kennady to school, and go on vacations. This decision forced us to continually look to God… to lean on his understanding and ways.
- Invest in Others – When my wife gave birth, there were 50 people sitting in the hospital waiting room. From that moment until this day, we have been surrounded by people willing and ready to help us. They were not all family. They were not there because we were famous or because we were the pastor (we weren’t pastoring a church then). They were all there, and have stayed there, because of years of investing in each other. This takes intentionality and hard work. It also means having the courage and taking a risk to ask for help. This means sacrificing for others. There is no way we could have raised our family on our own.
- Take Time to Get Away – I saved this for last, because it absolutely won’t work without the other three happening first. Couples must take time for themselves to rest and recharge. We asked people to watch our kids while we went on a weekly date night. We spent months saving money and lining up help to watch our daughter so that we could take a vacation by ourselves or with our two sons. We trusted that God would take care of our family when we were gone.
When our kids have special needs, that does not assign our marriages to eternal darkness or death. In fact, we have seen the opposite. In the areas where we have lost control, God shines the brightest.
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