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We all Fight.  How can we fight with our spouse and win?

This is one of the biggest areas of trouble in families.   Fighting about the kids, fighting about money, fighting about dinner, fighting about the laundry.  We can find any topic to get fired up about!

Let’s talk about how you can fight with your spouse and win…EVERYTIME!  The term fight needs to be defined clearly.  We are not talking about physical hitting. Of course that is never acceptable for any spouse.  Fighting is when we disagree and have arguments, discussions, tiffs, whatever you want to call it.

You have probably seen Dr. John Gottman on television. He is often on talk shows.  He says he can watch a couple argue for 90 seconds and know if they are going to make it or not.  What would he say about you?

Erica and I come from completely different backgrounds.  I (Robin) was raised in a 2 parent, very traditional family.  Mom had very distinct roles.  Dad had very distinctly different roles.  Erica was raised in a single parent home with her mom and brother.  They did everything as a team and did not have particular roles. In fact, there was no model in the home of what a dad could be.  These differences made our life in marriage very complicated.  We brought in these expectations that were completely different.  Even after we discussed them early on, we have still had to live through them for almost 20 years now.  It has been a long journey with many “fights” along the way.

The bottomline is that we all are different, we are all human, we all let ourselves get in the way.  We all will disagree and sometimes it escalates into a fight.

How we fight with each other tells us a lot about who we think we are and who we think God is.  When we have the wrong impression of God and ourselves, we see ourselves as the center of the world and that it is up to us to solve, fix, or change our spouse.  This wrong point of view will drive anger in our hearts and despair for our future.  It affects our communication like nothing else.  The beginning of healthy confrontations is FAITH IN GOD: Faith that he is the creator and designer of our marriage. Faith that he is in control of our lives.  Faith that he is able to transform us into the humans he originally intended.  When we view ourselves as dependent on God and view God as being loving and capable, then our conversations with other humans will look completely different.

OK, so let’s say you have a healthy view of God and your faith in him is strong.  What happens when emotions get in the way and someone does you wrong?  How do you deal with it?  This text gives us the answer!

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.  James 1:19

This text gives us 3 Rules to Fight Fair and Make sure everyone wins!

  1. Stop to Listen Carefully – Be Quick to Listen!

We are often quick to prove our point. We are wanting to get a word in edgewise.

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion. Proverbs 18: 

 If you feel like you have to prove your point or get something across, then you are not fully trusting that God is in control. You believe that he is not capable to defend you or make the situation right. Or You believe that God is not the one who gives you strength and credibility.

Prove to your Spouse that you are Quick to Listen:

  • Repeat back to your spouse what he or she just said. It lets them know what you just heard.  It keeps it focused on the topic at hand. “I understand why you feel _____________ when I do _______”
  • Validate the fact that the feeling is there! Whether you agree with it or not. This is crucial.

When your spouse feels like they are not being heard, they will only escalate their voice and demeanor.   When we are not heard, we feel helpless and like there is no hope.  LISTEN first.

 

  1. Guard Your Words Faithfully

The wise don’t make a show of their knowledge, but fools broadcast their foolishness.  Proverbs 12:23  

Before talking in an argument, ask yourself: Should this be said ever? Should this be said NOW?   If the answer is NO then, don’t say it!  Some things need to be dealt with but not in the middle of the fight!   Fight fair about the topic at hand.  If there are different topics that need to be discussed, then don’t avoid them all together.  Instead find a better time where each of you have more emotional margin to process them.

On the other hand, if you are avoiding a topic because you know the other person will blow up, then it is definitely time to connect with a counselor and prayer partners.  There is a time to say difficult things.  We need to address them.   Let’s trust God that He will redeem the situation. No sin is too great for God to redeem and heal.  God can prove himself to you in the most difficult relationship situations.

Here are some Rules for Fighting Fair

  1. Never call Names
  2. Never Yell
  3. Never get historical (once you deal with things in the past, leave them there)
  4. Never say “never” or “always”
  5. Never threaten divorce (low blow)
  6. Never quote your pastor 🙂

 

  1. Handle our Anger Righteously

We can be slow to anger because we trust that God is in control and that he is the ultimate judge. I do not have to rush to judgement or anger because deep down below the surface of my life, I REST in the fact that God has got this! 

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Ephesians 4: 26-27

Anytime you go to bed with an unresolved issue, you give the devil a foothold on your marriage.  The little problem gets a little bigger.   Erica and I sometimes go to sleep with out completely resolving an issue, BUT we have an agreement to never go to bed bitter or disrespectful to the other person.  Often we say, “We have a lot to talk about on this issue. We can’t solve it tonight. However, I love you. I’m committed. I’m sorry.”

Sometimes you have work through hard things. You have to FORGIVE. You have to release some of your tension.

Praying means a great deal.  It is not as easy to fight with someone if you pray for and with them everyday.

Erica and I spoke on this message at PromiseLand. Click here to watch!